Do I truly hide it so well? The broken shadow I have always been? The encouragement does nothing but stifle me. I hate the expectations in their eyes and even more the disappointment that follows. I gave up long ago, I no longer even try to win. Small moments of respite are all I live for. Yet I'm the strong one. What a crock of shit. They all want me to take it farther. To somehow prevail where they have faltered. Go ahead and walk away. The moment I see your weaknesses and play them as you beg of me, yes, turn away. Try to hide and act as if I'm to blame for your cowardice. I hate all of you. It simmers and boils just beneath the surface. But you can't see it, can you? Awaken the beast only to shy in fear. Fuck you. Your curiosity will be the death of me. I'm tattered and torn. So tired of all the frivolity. You ask for me. You plead for me to show you. Never willing to give in turn. No. I will not. You don't see me, only the twisted image you have conjured. It's all about perception. How can I ever truly expect anyone to understand me? That fucking craving that eats me alive. Don't touch me as if you have a right. You are nothing but an illusion. You sicken me with your hypocrisy. How dare you seek to unravel me with your lies and false flattery. Don't you understand? There is nothing left! Nothing is left of this travesty. I could break you open. I could violate your mind but I don't. I could lure you into a false sense of safety but I won't. I don't even have the energy or the care to waste lies on you. Yet here I am. Drawn to your inner darkness. Hoping for some comfort in the shadow of heart. I'm pathetic and weak. I'm not as strong as others believe. I just refuse to become the monster lurking beneath. That's what I desperately try to outrun. I can't let you in. I can't feel anything! Its my only means of survival. My only way of coping with the maelstrom locked inside. I can't. Gods, help me. I can't. Please just walk away. Because I don't have the strength to. And I'm supposed to be the strong one? The ever logical and rational one? If I were smart, I'd avoid you like the plague. If I were sane, I would run the other way. Yet I'm rooted in place. Watching you with tension wracking my body. Awaiting your next move, unable to look away. Your trust in my strength is misplaced. I suppose you will figure that out soon enough. Hopefully, you don't destroy the both of us in the process. I can't give up. I can't afford to lose. I can't bare to feel you so close to me. Let me go before I lose my will to fight. Gods, have mercy on my soul. I can't lose this fight.
