Theory of (Lost) Forms

The divine original. An idea I've held close to my heart.
I ache for her; I anguish for myself. 
What I wouldn't give to be even a tenth of that person.
Not the mere shadow I am. Bound. Caged and stunted. Tainted and scarred.
I say freedom is what I crave. That is the simple answer. The truth is much more complex and dismal.
I lie and say I have no regrets. Liars and fakes, we all are. I block out what I cannot bear to feel.
The immense loss of who I was meant to be. Circumstances and travesty.
I keep what's left locked away. Safe and hidden.
I can't handle the thought of losing that tiny sliver of my soul left unscathed.
Sometimes I forget it is there. These are the moments of hopelessness and despair.
They take root and I cannot even fathom a method by which I may truly heal.
I don't let myself feel for to do so would likely be the end of me.
For my gift, which was so brutally turned into a curse, is that I feel too deeply.
How beautiful she must be. Untethered and free.
But what of strength? Is it something born or created through challenge? Innate strength.
 Is that a reality? I like to believe so. For without it, in my eyes, my divine original would flawed.
Without fear is courage found? Without loss can true appreciation be gained? I don't know these answers.
These thoughts plague me. To my core, I believe I am broken.
I would not be who I am today without the journey that brought me here.
But what of her?  How can I truly love myself when I mourn who I should be? 
I fear I can never fully face myself without breaking some integral part of myself.
The pain and sorrow I keep locked away is far too much for that tiny thread to bear.
Or is it? Perhaps my fear is the only thing holding me back. Is it worth the risk? I truly do not know. 

Get a grip

Gods help me, they're back. I couldn't wake up. Fuck. I couldn't escape.
I screamed but nothing came out.
I fought but no to avail.
I couldn't move, couldn't breathe.
My whole body aches.
I can't shake the feeling.
It clings heavy stifling the air around me.
I'm awake dammit!
It's not real.
It's not real.
It's not real.
Please stop. Please let me be awake this time. Shaken, my soul trembles.
One step forward. Two steps back.
One step forward. Two steps back.
Eventually, it will be two steps forward.
Just breathe. Remember to breathe.
Don't fall back asleep.

The Half-Truth

Do I truly hide it so well? The broken shadow I have always been? The encouragement does nothing but stifle me. I hate the expectations in their eyes and even more the disappointment that follows. I gave up long ago, I no longer even try to win. Small moments of respite are all I live for. Yet I'm the strong one. What a crock of shit. They all want me to take it farther. To somehow prevail where they have faltered. Go ahead and walk away. The moment I see your weaknesses and play them as you beg of me, yes, turn away. Try to hide and act as if I'm to blame for your cowardice. I hate all of you. It simmers and boils just beneath the surface. But you can't see it, can you? Awaken the beast only to shy in fear. Fuck you. Your curiosity will be the death of me. I'm tattered and torn. So tired of all the frivolity. You ask for me. You plead for me to show you. Never willing to give in turn. No. I will not. You don't see me, only the twisted image you have conjured. It's all about perception. How can I ever truly expect anyone to understand me? That fucking craving that eats me alive. Don't touch me as if you have a right. You are nothing but an illusion. You sicken me with your hypocrisy. How dare you seek to unravel me with your lies and false flattery. Don't you understand? There is nothing left! Nothing is left of this travesty. I could break you open. I could violate your mind but I don't. I could lure you into a false sense of safety but I won't. I don't even have the energy or the care to waste lies on you. Yet here I am. Drawn to your inner darkness. Hoping for some comfort in the shadow of heart. I'm pathetic and weak. I'm not as strong as others believe. I just refuse to become the monster lurking beneath. That's what I desperately try to outrun. I can't let you in. I can't feel anything! Its my only means of survival. My only way of coping with the maelstrom locked inside. I can't. Gods, help me. I can't. Please just walk away. Because I don't have the strength to. And I'm supposed to be the strong one? The ever logical and rational one? If I were smart, I'd avoid you like the plague. If I were sane, I would run the other way. Yet I'm rooted in place. Watching you with tension wracking my body. Awaiting your next move, unable to look away. Your trust in my strength is misplaced. I suppose you will figure that out soon enough. Hopefully, you don't destroy the both of us in the process. I can't give up. I can't afford to lose. I can't bare to feel you so close to me. Let me go before I lose my will to fight. Gods, have mercy on my soul. I can't lose this fight.

The Void

How easy it would be to just step into the void. To answer the call I have avoided since birth. I've felt it inside as long as I can remember. That bottomless abyss slowly stealing my mind away. Sometimes I forget why I fight it. I like to submerge myself and feel the current dragging me down. Always fighting my way out at the last second. The pull is so strong. The silence so intense. I walk the edge, torn between two tides. That ledge is razor sharp stripping away what will I have left. Would it truly be so bad to give in? Maybe that silence is exactly what I crave. It beckons me so sweetly.... but I know what it truly is. What I would become. My screams tear from my throat as I awake drenched in sweat. My body aches. My mind is on fire. Gods, it hurts. This battle never ends and I grow weary of it all. My honor is all I have left. The void calls and once more I turn away. The pain reminds me why I fight so desperately. What I seek is not there nor is it here. Lost, I wander aimlessly. Waiting for that spark, the will to wake up from the nightmares that haunt me. Or the push over the edge I dread so much. Which will come first? Only fate knows.

Nocturnal Ritual

I would give anything for silence in my mind even if only for a moment's respite.

I want to feel the night breathe and watch the trees sway to a song I only dream of the melody to.

A comfortable silence is all I ask for.
To gaze upon the night sky and know in that moment that I am not alone.

To seek within the mirror of the universe and gaze upon my reflection in the stars.

To be undone by the complexity and beauty of Life.

Fault Lines

Forever resenting, you mock me relentlessly
As if my life should revolve around you
Because you choose to do so with your own
I am not responsible for your actions
I am not to blame for your misery
You control your emotions. You make your destiny.
Not me. Never me.
Yet I am always to blame for my honesty.
How is that fair? Or even deemed sane?
I am not interested in a half-life
A shadow of what could be
I am Queen of my world
I take full responsibility and refuse to be anyone but me
So judge what you don't know
Go ahead and fault me
You aren't a part of my destiny
Not now. Not ever.
It belongs to me. Only me.
Any reaction is of my own making
No one can truly harm me unless I will it so
I don't. I won't.
So take heed.
Even if you drown in your own self-pity
It won't effect me
Not because I am heartless or cold
Because it is your choice to make
It is never too late to decide your fate

My Love

 I want a warrior to welcome home with soft caresses and a loving heart.

I'll act as your balm and soothe your wounds. Lay your exhausted body before me

and let me restore you to your full glory. Let me ease your strain and erase all strife.
I want you irate and bursting through the door. I'll meet you blow for blow as we toss

and tumble in the sheets. I'll give you the fight you need but don't worry, my love.

In the end, I will let you win. I'll consume your anger and turn it into burning passion with each kiss.
I'll let you conquer me in every way.
I want you as my best friend tenderly loving me in every way.
Slowly making love that transcends into mind shattering bliss.
Bursting into laughter from the sheer force and losing our breath lying side by side.
I want your everything. I want it all.